It’s been a while, my friend. I’ve shut doors. Build walls. Protecting me. All of me. Not entirely consciously, but surely aware of it. I let myself fall into it. I trust this is the wave my body wishes to hold and my heart wishes to feel… Funny thing is, I won’t apologize for it. I won’t blame myself, or my energy for something that just isn’t serving me well. And I choose no longer to feel guilty about my needs and desires.
I am grounded and firm, yet a bit cold, maybe a bit bitter, and a bit sad. And it is perfectly okay. I’m not fighting to feel differently. I’m no longer trying to change what can not be changed. I’m not forcing actions and methods to get myself out of this space. All is short turn, anyways. My soul keeps calling louder. But I keep ignoring it. When will I listen? When will I gain the courage to change what is irrevocably making me so unhappy. I’ve been shrinking myself to fit some mold, model of what I should be and how things should be, and what it should all feel like. These “should’s” are a killer! And this shrinking binds me so tight, that I’m bursting at the seams. I can’t stand it! I have no room to expand. To grow. To express. To spread my light. Completely misunderstood, mislabeled, misassigned. My life has changed. My needs and desires don’t belong to the same person I was ten years ago.
Needs are tricky. One can be “needy” -asking for things, but not sure how to received them and from whom. The other is being of need- confidently aware of own needs and desires, and knowing where and how to access them. We all have needs, but it’s the way we show up and ask, makes the difference.
For years, I desperately seeked needs I believed to be missing from my attainment. The way I asked was always through hope. I wrote volumes about hope. Hope of finding peace. Hope of finding love. Hope of finding happiness, contentment. Now, I know, such deep truth, that all is for me to have and access at any given time. All which I undeniably feel alive inside of me. After all it is all me! But Hope has nothing to do with this manifestation. Hope is a beautiful remind of what and where I can be. This quarrel is about courage. Strong, powerful, creative, unstoppable COURAGE! Courage to break through the paper thin wall, where on the other side is my true self! I can feel her, all of her potentials and possibilities. All the energy and all the universe which lays within- bubbling, moving, dancing, ready to bust! And she wants out! I want out! My greatest need today is COURAGE!
Storms will erupt. The sky and earth will surely growl, for such change is not an easy task. Re-aligning everything and everyone; it’s going to be loud, messy and uncomfortable. I cringe at the thought of it. But I cringe even more, when I think of staying congested and chained. I will surely die of it.
So here I am, oh my great COURAGE! Here I am. I trust. I release and I bow.
I ask of Thee.
For Courage.