HIIT workout is my favorite. It yields best results. Many experts agree. The heartbeat racing. The sweat dripping. The speed. The breath. Faster and faster. Then, slower and slower. Then fast. Real FAST ones again. This type of intensity burns most fat, they say, gives you lean strong muscles. Oh yes! I feel the burn. Muscles ache. Heart pumping. But then something else begins to flare up. Something else begins to emerge. It is big. It is heavy. And it is perfectly ripe for the burning.
Each time I get a chance to go to the local high school track, I practice HIIT. I haven’t been there in a while, since the unseasonably cold weather held me back from venturing anywhere other than my neighborhood streets.
Wednesday, was a good day to visit the track. I’ve been feeling irritated and out of balance all week. A nice long run usually helps unblock my body’s energetic static. I didn’t anticipate anything other than that. Surely, I didn’t anticipate all that did come up. When you hit your highest running speed and give absolutely everything out of your body, shit is about to move. No other way around it. It just will. And what bursted in first was the very familiar- “Fuck, why did you leave me!? Why did you have to leave me, dad!?”…. Yeah, that was one. I ran with it. I ran with it until it felt better. After a few tears, and a few gentle prayers of compassion. I grew to be grateful for the life I was given… And then the other came rushing in… “No! No! No more! You hurt me! You hurt me! How do I let that go?” Run. Fastest and faster. “How do I let that go? How did I do it before? How did I let go of what hurt, before?…. Oh, yes. Forgiveness.” And I ran. Again, I dashed forward so fast that the lines on the track became blurry and the everything seemed like one seamless color. The thought throbbed in my mind “I need to forgive L.”
High intensity work out is a spiritual practice. A mediation, if you will. What needs to rise to the surface will. It will present itself in the clearest way. It will ask for your attention. It will ask for healing. Me forgiving the one whom I love so deeply, the one whom I was in love so passionately, is a process. A very slow process, which I learned not to rush. Because after all, you can’t rush healing. The memory of his love weaves in occasionally. But its become more foggy and distant. Everything has its perfect timing. When you know, you know. When you feel, you feel. And just like that, it’s ripe and ready for release… So, I say today, with one hand on my heart and the other right below it, in the stillness of my whole body and the traveling light within- “I forgive you.”