The location was different. The house, the land. Driving in the morning hours, and listening to music felt comforting to ease into the day. A day that will bring some resolution. I asked for clarity. The intention sent was to gain clarity in my life as to this one thing that tugs and pulls at my heart. So many years… I want to, no… I need to let that go. It has no room in my life. Or his life… It takes away from my focus. It takes me away from being present. Is it even real? Did she make him up? A dream? An illusion?… A bit of excitement builds as I imagine being free from the missing and longing and waiting and wanting and dreaming… If I could just forget about all of it. That would really be amazing!… So, I ask for clarity. To surrender, and breath deep into my heart for some answers. Oh, yes! Answers hidden deeply behind something. The something that happened at some point along this journey that wires the brain, and everything we do and believe we are. Onion layers, stripping down, down, into the core… But, one does not know what the big piece will be. One does not know what exactly will be discovered, moved, or rather removed. One does know that something will happen. Something that will heal you, something that will change you.
I was warmly greeted by my very trusted teacher and mentor. His wisdom and guidance creates a safe container to which I eagerly seep into. There is always something special about the space inside and the scenery outside. The two blend together so effortlessly. I relax. We begin.
She fights. The ego fights for her life. She tries to remember. She tries make sense out of it. But she can’t. She tries to figure it out. She tries to think. She tries to know, always ahead… “So, what does Ewa want? What do you want?” My teacher asks. But I can’t answer, “I don’t know? What do I want? What do I want?” Ugh. This is going to take a long time. Being aware of the fight, I try to calm her. I trust. I wait… And only when she surrenders, completely surrenders and lets go, IT begins. Pounding! Pounding! LOUD pounding! SHARP dark pounding in my right ear. In my head. It’s LOUD! It’s deafening! It’s so loud, I can’t take it. My body quivers from the noises. “He’s just screaming into my ear! Just screaming into my ear! ALL the fucking time! Just screaming into my fucking ear.” I was little, and no one was there. No one there to stop him. To comfort me. All he did was scream. This is why I get my migraines on the right side. And the fog. It’s all clouded with noise…. “STOP screaming at me! STOP screaming! STOP SCREAMING at ME!” I yell with all might. I scream at the top of my lungs as loud as I could. “It’s all in my head. All my father ever did was yell at me. He never said anything nice. All my young life I was never good enough. I was not loved.” My head was on fire. It was in pain. Tight and pouding. Now the release… As we work through cleansing and releasing all the screaming, all the noises and thoughts cluttering, I suddenly feel space. I pause. A long pause of rewiring activates… There is some new clearing happening. A new space that never existed before. I feel CLARITY! Maybe now I can make some decisions. It’s calmer. It’s freeing. In the moment, my teacher asks again, “So, now can you answer, What does Ewa want?” “Hmmmm, what does Ewa really want? What do I really want? You know what I really really want! I want peace and quiet. I just want PEACE and QUIET. That’s all I want! Simply just that.
Beautiful. I love this work!!
We take a rest. A bit of time to spend in nature. Observing with new eyes, and listen with new ears… Calmness.
As the day continue with other medicine, I step into a different world. There I meet my abandoned three year old self. With no place to be. Without a mother. She was a nuisance dropped off at family’s houses. I held her. I comforted her. I told her I loved her. And I brought her home. I brought her to our mother. I lied her down in bed and left her in our mother’s arms. Where she belongs… Loved.
And more came…
The other world was a place of truth and wide deep heart. He appeared there without hesitation. Just like that. Hi! Ohhhh yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Hi. Ohhh…Yes… I love him. I LOVE him. I love him. Wow! That’s fucking clear as day! That’s real. That’s the truth. But wait… Let’s pause for a moment. “Are you compatible?” Hmmm. Are we compatible, you ask? Would it work in real life? In the other real life. Would it work? His hot mess? His messy life and choices. Ugghh!!! And then the drama. I hate the drama. I hate it. I want nothing to do with the it. And the mess. It’s not my responsibility at all. Not my responsibility to fix it or do anything with it… “So? Are you compatible?” Oh, Are we compatible? Still on that question. Well, let me feel that for a moment. Let me lay down on that for a second… Breath…. “Of course! Yes! If he would meet me on the bridge. Of course. Yes. Anything is possible and of course we could make it work. Yes. We could make it work! Yes. we could. Yes, we are compatible.” Ahhh. Big smile on my face. Big LOVE in my heart… I do love this work…
Clarity.
Intention answered.
Clarity.