Days have been peaceful, but with peace comes upheaval. Mixed emotions battle their place of righteousness. Who’ll win my attention today? Too much time to think? No. No thoughts. I’m in space between breaths. Right before the exhale, that pause, that’s me. I’m in that space of nothingness. Nothing. No motivation. No goals. No creativity. No future. In this presence, which I am in, all seems too calm. And I am bored. And I can’t stand it.
After the summer experience, I was in an agreement. I will rest. It is important. It is what I need – time to break, to heal, to rest my body and heart. But this restful moment isn’t as wonderful as I thought it would be. In this space of peace and calmness, things begin to show up. Unwelcomed. Unwanted things. They come to the surface like dead fish on water. It isn’t pretty, no. Shame. Blame. Judgment. Forgiveness. Grief. I am barely staying afloat.
Yesterday evening, a heavy frontier came through, wiping any self compassion left in me. Pure sadness. I wanted out. And that’s when it gets dark -deep, fast…
Oh, but I already know, there are lessons to be learned in this darkness. For its essence clouds the obvious, to bring the hidden out into the light.
It takes a couple of days to move that kind of energy out of my body. Diving into deep mediation and prayer. Breath work. Cleansing. Unblocking Chakras. Freeing trapped emotions. Usually I can do this alone. But not this time. It was too big to move it myself… I reached out to individuals who have become my friends, my teachers. Their wisdom and kindness is transcendent. I am so blessed to have this support. Together, we worked a way into the light. And then I remembered. I remembered the journey. I remembered I am not alone. I remembered the love, light and beauty that is in us all. I remembered who I am and where I came from. And that all is well. Finally, my body relaxed, my breath regulated and I felt better.
This work isn’t easy. To choose to face your darkest sides and stand eye to eye with your deepest counterparts, is something most people find terrifying. They become keepers of the status quo. Why change anything? It’s fine. It’s comfortable. Enlightenment is the opposite of such blindness. To see own suffering with compassion, gifts one with the ability to recognize the suffering in us all. Because without darkness, there would be no light. And without the ugly, there would be no beauty. Without death, there would be no birth. Keeping it balanced. Our inner feminine and masculine dance to create the harmony in what we call -the human experience.
So here I am. Just another part of being Ewa.