Today was an unsettling day. I wrote, then deleted. I thought, then forced it to stop. Emotionally I was having a difficult time. Those unwelcomed visitors came pounding on my heart, again. They tried to invade my good spirit, and it made my physical state tight and painful. I was holding the door with all my might, as they spoke to me louder and louder… “You’re not worth it… You’re not good enough… You’re too much of this and too little of that…” The insecure and ashamed little girl appeared out of nowhere. But I blocked her out. I build a high and thick wall against everything and everyone… The armor is on, heavy but it will protect. This is mine own battle with the dark side of me… I ran. I ran for a long time in order to lose myself in a different mindset. Sweat dripped down, my muscles ached like hell but I wanted something else to ache. I let the pain spread everywhere except there, deep inside… leaving that clean space alone…
…About six year ago, when I lost my first child, an old high school friend came to visit me. I didn’t see her in a long time. She was in and out of relationships at that time and I remember, she asked me if I’m happy. My first thought was, “What a strange question. Of course I’m happy.” I didn’t understand why she asked me of this. But I told her that I am and she was glad to hear it. However, today I understand her question, it’s because she wasn’t. So, if someone asked me now, if I’m happy, my answer wouldn’t be so simple. I would question; “well, what do you mean by happy?” “What is happiness?” And I would probably say something like, “It depends on the day, but most of the time, I do feel content. Life is hard. Everything takes effort, especially relationships. I am grateful for what I have. There are moments when I want to give up, but usually I see a positive side to everything, and I keep trying.”
…This website, is something I enjoy maintaining. It’s a venue for me to speak my thoughts and feelings; my own truth about whatever happens to visit my life. I think of it as a diary or a portfolio of my few interests. I’ve published 51 posts, and written many more that were not. Lately, however; I’ve been thinking about the true purpose of it. It feels like these might be my last days, and if it is so, then what am I leaving behind, and for whom? Would my daughter read this and be inspired or proud of her mother. Would my family finally understand my perspective? Would the world see something unique and worth reading? I don’t know the answer, but what I do know for sure is that something is happening… something is coming and it will bring a great shift…I’m a little nervous, a little scared; but whatever it is, it is not in my power, that I also know for sure.