Tonight, like every night, as the house becomes quiet, I go outside and sit alone for a while. As the moon shines and the thousands of crickets sing, I become still. The crickets are amazing little critters. Each one has a special call, which only their true mate recognizes. And every night they sing in order to find each other in the twilight. So, while the crickets serenade their love tune, the unusually bright moon’s face gazes down on me. It confirms that even in darkness there is always light…The moon is very different from the sun. Though without the sun life cannot flourish, it can also burn the already weak heart, especially after a long and emotionally tiring day. Whereas the silver moon cools the soul, and eases the exhaustion. He’s my lonely friend, up in the starry night. I feel his isolation for I’ve been there myself so many times before…
After my mother’s passing I never felt a deep connection with another being until I became pregnant with my own child. Then, I understood the meaning of unconditional love. I felt a life, other then my own, move and grow inside. Two heartbeats in one body, a true spiritual experience. My daughter is my only connector to life, love and hope.
For the past three days I feel like I’ve aged twenty years. If love makes us young again, than the opposite of it, whatever it is, makes us deaden. It’s hard to find happiness in my own smile; it’s hard to hold back the tears because I know it won’t change a thing. It will always be the same emotional cycle, which can’t be broken until something changes, until something happens. The great shift, perhaps that’s what it is. The great change I felt coming weeks ago… There were a few times I’ve visited a spiritual healer, and a psychic. I don’t quite know why, but I guess if you have no vision of your future, then you think someone else can help you define it. Both stated the same prophecy: happiness in all aspects of life, financial prosperity, all dreams will come true, great love. I uncovered the “Sun” card, which apparently is a special card that shows up once in ten years, and is the best sign of success. All these wonderful things will come my way…I wait…I wait… I wait and can’t think of a reason why I would want any of it. But the truth is that no one can force anything on anyone… I’ve been selfish. I thought of my own needs, my own feelings, my own life situation, but I failed in trying to understand my husband’s side. And for that, I apologize. I apologize for not being a very good partner…which is the least that I should be, especially to the one that loves me so, especially now.