The stories I share are all true experiences, and even my fiction has some truth in it. I’ve come to understand myself better by examining the past, not to dwell on it, but just to examine it. It’s a learning tool, so I can live more aware in the present… My mother was a very religious and spiritual person. She prayed the Rosary everyday. She would sit in her quiet space for about an hour, meditating and not just reciting words. It was her time to be still, recharge and reconnect with the source she knew gave her life, God. Sometimes I sneaked in and watched her for awhile. There were days when she cried, and I didn’t understand why; that’s when I began to blame myself for her tears. Maybe she was sad because I didn’t do what she asked of me, or because I talked back, or because I fought with my brothers. This young me believed I was the reason for her pain. I didn’t want to cause anyone pain. I wanted to be a good girl, and I wanted to please, but it seemed to me that I always failed… And that’s when the little negative voices began to shape my young mind…And then the other, more traumatic experience drove it even deeper. I wanted to be that good girl… I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t escape, and I blamed myself. It feels uncomfortable to write or read about sexual abuse, but it’s real and it happens…It’s been a long time since I’ve thought about it because true forgiveness gave me inner peace. It was about six years ago, when I faced him and asked for an explanation. But, it didn’t matter what he said, what mattered was what I said, and what I felt. I regained control and I held the power to forgive. And I did… I forgave him. Only then, I was able to put that dreadful past in a space that’s outside of me and not be part of me. Today, I’m fully aware that it wasn’t my fault… My mother wasn’t sad because of me. She was mourning leaving her family. And, the other, well, I still don’t understand the reason, but hell, I don’t really give a damn…
And yes, this is another example how time had nothing to do with my healing. It was me and the Greater Power that helped me summoned my courage…Time is useless in emotional mending. I know people that have been holding on to the past for years and years… Time doesn’t help, the choice comes from within…
I explore and share these events because I make connections to the way I am today… I still try to please… I still feel guilty at times… and oh yes… I still try to be the good girl in my family’s or other’s eyes. But I can’t please everyone. And guilt resurfaces only when I want to do something that’s just for me.. and a good girl, let’s face it, I’m not. I break rules and I don’t like to follow certain traditions, and yet here I am living the most traditional life there is…WHY??? Because that’s what I’ve been taught is the right way to live. My mother did it, and her mother did it, and the rest of the women before her did it. But I don’t want to! And I shouldn’t have to!…
…”Sweetie, did you finish cleaning your room? If you did, then go and sweep the stairs.” My mother assigned me household chores not only because she really needed the help, but also to teach me how to be a good wife. This is what our family’s women do. They are good wives. They stay in unfulfilled marriages. They work and then come home to cook, clean, do laundry etc… etc… etc… I don’t mind one bit having and doing these responsibilities; but what I do mind is when that’s all that’s expected of me, and if I choose to turn away, I’ll break some ancient threat that will have tragic consequences. But the only tragic consequence is me going insane…In fact, in the 1950’s, many ambitious women ended up in psycho wards because they felt imprisoned. They had talents, passions and longings but they couldn’t do anything with it. They had no choice. They were stuck being a housewife, raising kids, and having absolutely no say in anything. They repressed their energy, which was bursting inside, and inevitably they ended up crazy. I thank God, that I live in a time when I have more opportunities and ways to release my own energy. However, there is still a sense of being caged because to be free one must be able to fully stretch its wings, and I just haven’t been able to do that, at least not yet. I don’t blame ANY one for it… it’s not my spouse or my daughter or my family…it is me. It’s always been me because I’m the only one that owns the power to fully release whatever has been caging me. It will come. The process began a while ago…
It was early spring. I was enjoying the company of some friends that came to visit and see my newly purchased home. Life should have been good…married, child, career, house…except one thing… I realized I wasn’t happy. This was the life my parents wanted for me; I was different. Though I always wanted a child, no question there, and of course I wanted a life-long partner as well; there was still something missing. The house or the cars or whatever other thing just didn’t do it for me. As I began to question my reality, a friend offered some explanations. And so, the journey to awakening originated without me actually knowing it at that particular moment…It was the first time I’ve heard that we, people, are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but rather spiritual beings having a human experience. This friend and I stood underneath my front doors’ roof, discussing this idea for a long time; though it didn’t seem that long at all. It was raining… The weather hasn’t settled completely since then, and the currents have changed directions altogether…Life on earth will never be the same… And so the process continues…