When I was much younger, I use to have frequent nightmares. They hunted me for years. Different scenarios left me anxious and frightened of my own mind’s creations. I couldn’t understand it. So, when in high school we were asked to gather data and conduct research of any topic; without a hesitation I knew what mine would be. I was drawn into the magic of dreams and their hidden world. I became more familiar with the physiological evidence of different brain waves and sleeping patterns. I even learned that the more creative a person is, the more nightmares they can “create.” It was all useful information. However, it was the other side of dreams that was captivating and worth exploring; the psychological side. The nightmares slowly gave way to dreams of vivid and strong images. Since then, I’ve collected multiple books, journals and dream dictionaries in search for the meaning behind my nocturnal stories. The stories, which unfold the deeper layers of life.
Though, it seems to be common knowledge that dreams carry messages and meanings. What’s puzzling still, is what to do with these messages. Do we trust it? Do we follow it? Do we listen to our own truth? I fear not of my truth, but of the true interpretation of the dream. There could simply be too many to know which one to believe…
I’m back in my childhood hometown, walking on the side walk along the apartment buildings. Not much has changed. Children playing on the playground. Green lawns covering fronts of somewhat run down houses. As I walk further down, the lawns change to animal pens. In each one stands a muscular, intimidating bull and around him leisurely rest a couple of cows. There must of been at least ten such cages in a row. I avoid eye contact with these big animals, no one messes with bulls! But for some reason, I need to get to the other side of the enclosures. It is very important for me to cross. I am searching for a tamer bull, one that I can sneak by and not get noticed. However, all are tightly taking up their space, and there isn’t a way to get by. On the other side, I see someone else that wants to get through, as well. I am not sure who it is, maybe a female friend, or my husband. I can not remember. All I know is that now there are two individuals who need these beasts to move. I stand next to the last enclosure, where a bull stands slightly to the side. Maybe this will be the one. However, still no use. Finally, I notice a beautiful and well toned woman laying on a cot. These bulls belonged to her. I began to explain if she could help me, and the other person, to get through by moving the bull in the last pen. I give it my best plea. She looks at me, and plainly says, “But this cage is empty. The bull and the cows were moved an hour ago.” I look over. It is true; the animal pen is cleared. I can easily walk through.
… I have dreamt of bulls and cows numerous times before. Usually, they grazed on large green pastures. I was always frightened of them, and stayed as far away as possible. Sometimes they chased me. Sometimes they chased each other. As a child, when visiting my family in the country side, I never liked to be close to these particular animals. I thought the dreams represented my childhood fear. However, after last night’s experience, I beg to differ.
Multiple interpretations. Multiple possibilities. Multiple truths? Clearly, the bulls represent some key internal struggles. Huge and heavy conflicts. They are caged. They are intimidating and strong. I want to make a move in order to get to where I need to go. Attempts are useless. Until, of course, one of the obsticles is removed by some other source. It is gone, and I didn’t have to do a thing. The path is cleared… Now, another question remain- which of the caged struggles is causing the relevent anxiety? I might know the answer. It is the thing I can not break free from no matter what I do, or not do. The thing that brings me both pleasure, and pain. The thing I need the most, and the least- The always moving, wavering and bending, but never completely dissolving, “emotional dependency” on someone else.