9:11pm. At this very moment, without any outside influences. No triggers. Just me. Feeling completely defeated by life. Another year of achievements, failures, achievements, failures. I’ve tried. Giving it my all to plan A, B, C…. Nothing. Done. I have no courage left. I have no strength. A deflated body with an empty mind and a heavy heart. I give up. Just like that, I give up. There is nothing special in me. An overachiever, at most. What the have I really achieved? My life- fractions of hopes, dreams, memories… The journey to a better place. A place of what? Happiness? Success? Love? Can anyone give me a coherent definition of Love? Cause I just don’t get it, except… God, how I’m thankful for my girl. Without her there would be absolutely zero logic behind this experience. Life has disappointed me. I disappointed life. This is it. One chance. You get one chance, and so what??? Can’t do what you want to anyways. You get what you get, and that’s all people. Don’t try nothing, cause it ain’t gonna work… Wiped out clean.
My second cousin from my father’s side has come for a longer visit than expected. He brought suitcases, forecasting a few nights stay. I don’t like him at all. We have nothing in common. But lately, he’s been reaching out and making an effort to drop in. Fine, I don’t care anymore. After all, he is part of the extended family. Easily noticed, and perfectly named- “Pessimism.” … Oh, shit, I think he brought his friend, “Affliction” in one of those suitcases. It’s going to be one hell of a sleepover.
…
When I was a little girl, I imagined being dead, laying in a coffin with hands neatly folded over my chest. I wondered who would come to my funeral? What would they say? What would they do? Would they try to bring me back? Would they care?… It’s a strange thought for a child to be thinking. But, then again, it’s a strange thought even for an adult.