I’ve been struggling with forgiveness. Maybe the hurt was too great. Maybe the heart is too broken. Maybe time does heal wounds. But it is certain to me, that I haven’t opened up for the softness to mend what was so harshly ripped. I struggle to see the goodness that it served, for there was no goodness in it. Anger lingers closely, hand in hand, with heaviness. Past words flicker, shooting straight through my heart. Each time. Every time. It doesn’t become less… And if the only way to truly move on and let the heart be at peace is to forgive; I worry, I might be carrying it with me for a while. It just isn’t that easy.
Yes, Forgiveness is the only way to freedom. That I know well. It releases the burden of pain, of the past, of everything that shouldn’t have happened, but irreversible did. There are parts of me that regret every bit of it. I want to wash the stains away, scrub it to my bare bones. If I could bleed it out of me, somehow and have a blood transfusion, I would. If I only knew that it would enable my heart to pump new life, I would do anything for that exchange. But maybe that would be too simple… Lessons learned. Experiences to have. Memories to burn. Forgiveness will find me. I will let it in, but before that day, there is still so much internal work to be done. Clearing space for a brighter beginning. When love returns in his eyes, and forgiveness rises above the thick fog of sorrow.
Yours Truly,
Breaking into Dawn.