I blamed it on the weather… tightness and unwavering blues. I felt unproductive, lazy and stuck. Music as sad as my soul, or non playing at all. The worst is my injured back. Overachieving at the gym. Overworking my body to the point of exhaustion. And it finally had enough. I hate not being able to physically release energy that way. Other life’s happenings began to add on, and the lethargic days just wouldn’t budge. I’m not comfortable without having the will or motivation to do anything. It makes me feel powerless, pathetic, useless. Self revival methods were not helping… I grew anxious and very uncomfortable. What happens if this won’t pass? What happens to me when I won’t paint or write or do anything fun or anything that I enjoy? What happens to Ewa? Who am I becoming? Am I loosing my happy spirit? Forever? Nothing was making me smile… Leaving me with one choice- Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. It sucked. Everything began to come up, all the build up. The stuff that lingered in my core. The unwanted that plugged the flow of the source. And then the two buddies that like to stick together, arrived center stage. Judgment and fear. Judgment likes to tell me that I should not feel so passionately still about the past. Why is it taking you this long? Why do you still think about it? Didn’t you let it go?…. And fear, well fear, asks about my next project. Can you top this off? What’s the next dream? Can you do it? I don’t think you have much more in you… Grief also, as usual, reminds me that life is not always so sweet. Especially now, these weeks and upcoming days mark one year. Heavy tears process the gravity of loss I felt, and still feel…
External forces too, held me down. I can’t tell the direct source of this energy, but I sense their powerful current. At night especially, in my dreams they emerge… And I can’t sleep.
And that’s where it all came from. And that’s what has to tread through. Dirty shoes and all… Ravishing narratives, the invaders play their roles. Until the final act, until the final applause… They bow and leave.
Today, I’m back from the dead. Grateful to feel alive and energetic. Dancing, laughing, connecting. Learning yet another lesson of patience and being easy with my heart. To calm her and honor her sensitivity. To stay in the expensiveness of the uncomfortable. To stay and feel the rawness of my own humanity and the magic that’s beating in my chest…
I trust. I release. I trust. I release. I trust. I release.