Sometimes I’m really terrified to write out the things that circulate in my mind. My body. It scares me because if I put it into words, and I can see it on the screen, then I know it must be true…
I’ve had visions. Jesus’ heart. Bright light… There are few miracles that keep me alive. My daughter. God. Creativity. I sat on the edge of my bed this morning, and the sadness overwhelmed by wrapping her strong hands around my body. Squeezing harder and colder. I shivered. And I wept. The thoughts streamed in… If God gave me this gift of love why can’t I fully receive it? Why do I push it away? Why don’t I feel it back as strongly as I wish I could? And if I trust God with my life, then why does the sadness exist? If God knows this is for my best, then why doesn’t this feel like my best?
The only clarity that I have today, is that I am clean- headed. There are no distractions. There are no other forces influencing these emotions… So, I beg for a new beginning. For something grander. I know it’s out there. For Me… With an open heart, I’m ready… A new perspective. A different way… Can I be rewired? Will I every feel fulfilled?
Yours Truly,
– My deepest prayer