It seems that human beings are irresistibly, most dysfunctionaly addicted to drama. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Waiting can be painful. Forgetting can be painful. But not knowing which to do, is the worst kind of suffering. Drama takes stage. Same thoughts, same reasoning, same behavior, yields same experience.
I have read before that pain and suffering is predestined for a large intelligence and a deep heart. That really great men, must have the greatest sadness on earth… Indeed, not a positive outlook. But, I believe there is hope for change. It’s the little shifts. One thought, one word, one behavior in day to day routines lead to big transformation.
Sometimes changes happen intentionally, sometimes they happen through the work of deeper consciousness. Either way if one seeks change, change will come. Friends see a difference in my nature and I know they miss the old Ewa. They take change personally. Like my behavior is triggered by their doing. I’m open to explaining but simply say, “It’s not you, it’s Me.” I’m more sensitive, yes, but only energetically, not so much emotionally. I can sense a deeper vibe of life through energy that runs through us all. And by some instinct, I move away from those who have an unsettling vibration. A frequency I just can’t tap into. I don’t take it directly, but I will reject that energy. “No, thank you.” Don’t want it. Don’t need it.
Not everyone sees this introverted, life-essence admirer in me as an alarming behavior. My husband, for example, loves his new wife even more. I think we might be closest in our frequencies than ever before. When I became more open to receive his love, not only did I offer more back, I received more. The pathways synchronized for an open and free flow. More can move in and out without the energetic blockage that I’ve created. I know I carried it around my heart for years. Not all the way, but never fully to offer my unconditional love. So, now when we hold close, and give each other the much craved attention, its a lovely union. We create space where we can interact in fun, loving and connective way. Arguments become an opportunity to exchange perspectives, clear space, listen to grievances, meet neglected needs. And of course, none is perfect, but it’s damn better than it was!
Nevertheless, the most important, most conscious shift that I had to make is not to shut him out. The greater needs come from me, duh.. lol.. Obviously, I’m more verbal in locating emotions roaming in my breath. My husband, has learned just by watching, I think, that breathing with me is the most effective strategy to regulate my heartbeat and calm my mind. A strong hug and deep breathing is a reliable way of moving emotions and energy out of the body. It allows one to resume in a calm and compassionate way. I found what works for me. But I’m sure it can work for others just as well.
I’ve written very little about my husband or my relationship with him. I never had the need to do so… He’s the most stable person in my life, though we’ve had our moments of doubt. Not because there was no love between us, but because somewhere along the way we gave up on meeting each other’s needs. We looked at it from “I” perspective and not “You”… Becoming aware and trying different ways of communicating, I feel, we found a new and deeper admiration for each other.
Yes, this is one reason why my husband is rarely the subject on this website, but another, is probably more on point. A complicated life experience had me lost inside a maze. This experience ran its course for years. It’s been on waves of storms. Back and forth. It had me locked in suffering between the waiting and the forgetting. For years, I prayed for an answer. For years, I waited… But like with everything, I learned, all answers lay within… With change, comes change. A choice was made.
I am happy. Happy. So happy, that we all can be free from that suffering. We can all live one whole life. No more tag of war… A clear decision pushed the knot out of my lungs. I breath differently, rhythmically. I sleep better… Mostly, when I rest, my mind, my heart, my body fully rests. What a gift! What a relief. I can see my future clearly. No if’s. No hesitations. No hopes of an unrealistic dream. I see my happy days with the ones closest to me. The ones I love the deepest- With One! Full Heart.