It’s been a bad week. It’s been a very bad week. I’m easily irritated for no reason at all. I’m fighting with something; an untamed beast inside. Think less, pray harder. Useless efforts go to waste. I’ve been so busy, there is not enough time. I like busy, but when it gets overwhelming, stress closes in. Everything is catching up and I can’t run fast enough. On top of the “to do” list, a string of crazy emotions are pushing their way to get noticed. Ok! I see you, damn it. I hear you and feel you just fine. But I don’t want to, so can we please come to some kind of compromise?… Think less, pray harder. My strategy is not working. The more I try, the more it bounces right back with a heavier force. Wired spring. Cut it up and throw it away. Wish it were that simple. What else can I do? I’m out of ideas. I’ve tried everything and nothing is helping… I don’t see the purpose. Why am I doing anything? What’s the point? This and that. That and this. For what? For who? For what reason? For Me? Don’t see why I need to do anything for me. It’s probably better if I sit on my ass and do absolutely nothing. Wouldn’t that be great? Just do nothing. Nothing at all and be completely satisfied with it. Why not? What’s stopping me? Me, myself and I!! Fucked up person, Me. That’s who. Forget 50 shades, more like 99 posts and counting on repeat! Let it go. Just let it all go! Let go! Let go! Let go! Think less, pray harder until it hurts so fucking bad, you can’t take it no more, and you die. Die. Die. Die inside, completely surrender and die to be reborn again. New, fresh soul. I would want nothing more than exactly that. A clean mind, and a light heart. If I only had such power, I would do it without a moment of hesitation. I would turn it all around, to make it go away. To stop breathing and then breathe again. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. In and out… in and out. Feel it. Feel each breath. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. I’m alive. I’m still alive…Shit, wish it were that easy, to just be…Me.
…I was told that I look “put together,” happy and healthy, and that no one would notice the troubles inside. Shit, I wouldn’t either. When I talk to others, I smile. Naturally I’m a positive and happy person. It’s the other me who loses her purpose of life. She’s the girl that needs the attention and reassurance. She’s the one with the fragile heart of glass; the one who needs to be handled with care… and she’s asking for help. She’s asking her white army of angels to be on guard. And they are. Standing, ready… And she’s asking someone else…
…Hold me! Hold me tight. Hold me with everything you’ve got. Just hold Me! All of Me. All my strengths and weaknesses. All my imperfections and wonders. Hold it together before I fall apart. One touch to heal, one touch to crumble. One touch away. Hold me until I can feel again. Hold me until I’m free again. Hold me … Just Hold Me!