I’m confused. I’m confused about my emotions. I have a reaction, but then I don’t. I have some thought, and then it’s gone. Then, a feeling comes over, but that too is not quite right. I’m listening, and I’m trying to understand the other side as a different story from my own, yet I hear myself. Past me. Past feelings or emotions. Like I’ve been there. I’ve experienced it before. I’ve read book, after book. Watched videos, lectures, and interviews in search of clues or answers. I’m a pro, it would seem. And now when I hear about it from another, it’s an echo. The difference, the only difference is that nothing happened for me. As much as I wanted to; it didn’t. I ended up here. Not a bad place. No, not at all. It’s been wonderful. But maybe somewhere still, that dream is indeed alive. So, when I hear that someone has a chance, and it’s a real chance, I want to be their cheerleader. At the same time, I know that I should stay away from giving any advice or opinion because it is not what any good friend should do. The choice, the experience belongs to them. It is not mine to live.
Intentions are real. They must come from an honest place, and you must be ready to receive them. The Universe is listening. Always. Ready if you are.
… At this very moment, I am experiencing a powerful contraction. Everything is blurry again. It’s not where I want to be, or where I was just this morning. Can’t justify it. Just feel like my energy is gone and that I no longer want to do any of the things that have been coming. As if, I don’t really deserve it, or that there’s been some kind of mistake. Do I really want it anyways? It is a distraction? Or is it a reward? It all feels absolutely fantastic. But again, is it there just so I don’t think about the dreams of yesterday. Or is this the road to take me there?? F. Questions again. No answers. F it.
I let go.
Universe- do your thing!
Goodnight.
Wait, one more thought… This might be it… A dozen opposing directions. Nothing is making sense. It’s my truth, but then it isn’t….I think I got it. There was a story, that I told myself for years. That story was real. The characters and roles were clearly outlined. I knew where everyone belong and how they were to behave, especially me. Reaction. Emotions. Behaviors. It was a story I repeated to myself and my friends over and over. But now, there is a very different tale that’s taking shape; one I haven’t learned to recite yet. I haven’t internalized it as my own new story… Who am I? What role do I play now? And maybe this is just the first draft; editing phase. The final copy is taking its time before making it to the public.
Oki, let’s try again…. Goodnight!