It makes me angry. All of it. I’m pissed about why it’s happening. There are days that I’m focused and grateful and ready and hopeful. There are days that I’m content with the “verdict” as my dad calls it. Sometimes I’m
scared of life without him and how that will change everything. And There are days that I’m just angry. Today, is that day. It frustrates me because from the very beginning, which is last December, he tried everything. All of it! All the things you list. And trust me he was fighting the thing- he even said, ” I’ll show the doctors, they’ll be writing books about me and how I did it!” And it worked. Initially he had to undergo chemo because the tumors were so big he couldn’t eat because of pain. He lost 40 pounds in 10 weeks. It was insane. But the chemo worked. It shrank the tumors significantly. He gained weight and much of his strength. He went back to work, and was very optimistic. He finished his first treatment in April. But we continued the holistic methods. I drove him to a specialist doctor who treats whole body using homeopathy. All was going very well. July scan showed significant decrease in all tumors, some even disappeared. That was at the end of July. In mid August, just a few weeks later, he began to complain about pain in his stomach again. The same pain he had back last fall. I scheduled an appointment for scan. And nightmare again… all of them doubled in size (5×9 cm/ 4x7cm) huge! and new growths appeared…. So what to do??? Aggressive chemo to stop it from spreading. You have to because otherwise it will kill you within weeks…. And Whats happening now? he is so weak, he barely get off the coach. He aged. He’s mental agility is gone. His physical stamina is nonexistent… I went to see him today, to go over some paperwork and make sure he’s eating anything really because his doesn’t want to eat. I reminded them about alkaline foods and Teresa is really good at preparing that for him…. but he gave up, just a bit…I know he did, after all he did and it failed…
So you see, as much as I want to believe in all this unconventional methods for curing cancer, I think there would be more examples of these “miracle” stories than there are. Unless they are just miracles, one in a million. And I do believe in miracles. God, I do! Except it is the person who is sick that has to believe. I know miracles happen. My mother is the proof of that. But she believed. And she prayed. And she visited every holy place in Poland. And has seen all the healers she heard of. And all the spiritual seances that were offered…. this is were I come from. This is why I am a believe. She is in me and I get my self so clearly because of it. But I can not make my father a spiritual being. I can not make him truly raise his arms to God and ask to be healed. Only he has the power to do that. But I don’t know if he honestly has the will… it takes complete trust and surrender to God… what else can I do? Hope? Pray? …. believe? I don’t want anyone to feel bad or sad for me because I will be ok. I know I will. It’s not about me being ok with death because death doesn’t scare me… it’s the process. It’s this experience that echoes heartache. I think of Teresa being alone. I think of my children, Especially baby Emilek not knowing even one of my parents. I feel like when he’s gone, nothing will matter anymore. Like what does anything matter anyways. For what? For who? We can all be gone so quickly. But We all act as if we have this unlimited time here on earth. We’re so f caution with our time… we say, maybe someday I’ll do this or that … but we don’t have this time because time is in fact precious. Why do we wait? We wait forever? For another lifetime? I only realized the importance of having my father, when this Happened. Because when he is gone, I do not know what my life will become, what I do know is that my choices will no longer have a “overseer” as if my consiciounce will have no more consiciounce… or something like that. I’ll truly be one woman standing. No wall to lean on, no chair to rest, no hand to hold when in need, because I think only parents can give you the unconditional love a child needs. And I will no longer have it… 💔
scared of life without him and how that will change everything. And There are days that I’m just angry. Today, is that day. It frustrates me because from the very beginning, which is last December, he tried everything. All of it! All the things you list. And trust me he was fighting the thing- he even said, ” I’ll show the doctors, they’ll be writing books about me and how I did it!” And it worked. Initially he had to undergo chemo because the tumors were so big he couldn’t eat because of pain. He lost 40 pounds in 10 weeks. It was insane. But the chemo worked. It shrank the tumors significantly. He gained weight and much of his strength. He went back to work, and was very optimistic. He finished his first treatment in April. But we continued the holistic methods. I drove him to a specialist doctor who treats whole body using homeopathy. All was going very well. July scan showed significant decrease in all tumors, some even disappeared. That was at the end of July. In mid August, just a few weeks later, he began to complain about pain in his stomach again. The same pain he had back last fall. I scheduled an appointment for scan. And nightmare again… all of them doubled in size (5×9 cm/ 4x7cm) huge! and new growths appeared…. So what to do??? Aggressive chemo to stop it from spreading. You have to because otherwise it will kill you within weeks…. And Whats happening now? he is so weak, he barely get off the coach. He aged. He’s mental agility is gone. His physical stamina is nonexistent… I went to see him today, to go over some paperwork and make sure he’s eating anything really because his doesn’t want to eat. I reminded them about alkaline foods and Teresa is really good at preparing that for him…. but he gave up, just a bit…I know he did, after all he did and it failed…
So you see, as much as I want to believe in all this unconventional methods for curing cancer, I think there would be more examples of these “miracle” stories than there are. Unless they are just miracles, one in a million. And I do believe in miracles. God, I do! Except it is the person who is sick that has to believe. I know miracles happen. My mother is the proof of that. But she believed. And she prayed. And she visited every holy place in Poland. And has seen all the healers she heard of. And all the spiritual seances that were offered…. this is were I come from. This is why I am a believe. She is in me and I get my self so clearly because of it. But I can not make my father a spiritual being. I can not make him truly raise his arms to God and ask to be healed. Only he has the power to do that. But I don’t know if he honestly has the will… it takes complete trust and surrender to God… what else can I do? Hope? Pray? …. believe? I don’t want anyone to feel bad or sad for me because I will be ok. I know I will. It’s not about me being ok with death because death doesn’t scare me… it’s the process. It’s this experience that echoes heartache. I think of Teresa being alone. I think of my children, Especially baby Emilek not knowing even one of my parents. I feel like when he’s gone, nothing will matter anymore. Like what does anything matter anyways. For what? For who? We can all be gone so quickly. But We all act as if we have this unlimited time here on earth. We’re so f caution with our time… we say, maybe someday I’ll do this or that … but we don’t have this time because time is in fact precious. Why do we wait? We wait forever? For another lifetime? I only realized the importance of having my father, when this Happened. Because when he is gone, I do not know what my life will become, what I do know is that my choices will no longer have a “overseer” as if my consiciounce will have no more consiciounce… or something like that. I’ll truly be one woman standing. No wall to lean on, no chair to rest, no hand to hold when in need, because I think only parents can give you the unconditional love a child needs. And I will no longer have it… 💔